I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
