her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
