I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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