So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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