speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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