New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
