When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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