I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
