you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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