Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
