I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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