I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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