Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
