I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
