You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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