fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
