my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
