I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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