I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize