Can i not drive my cunt home
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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