Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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