do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize