Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
