if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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