we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
