If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
