Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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