Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
