mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
