yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
