Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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