Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
