she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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