tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize