well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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