Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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