It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
