i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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