4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
