ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
