i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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