a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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