Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
