i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
