hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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