I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
