how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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