he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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