I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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