I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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