Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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