Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
