Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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