I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize