I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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