I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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