Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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