Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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