You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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