In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
